TRUVADA IS THE NEW DATE RAPE DRUG

truvada

I am not the behavior police. Bareback. Gift-giving, Truvada Whoring, CHEMSluts. Pharamacopornographic queer cult enthusiasts… even those unicorns saving themselves for the perfect real gay marriage… Honestly, I don’t care anyway you find yourself or how you might observe or demonstrate or perform the feeling of connection via these variable practices of life-sharing within their often dogmatic tendencies. These are not barriers in my mind… these are not thresholds of intimacy or alienation in of themselves. These are also not the behaviors I wish to argue over in what follows.

I am not in the entertainment biz either… Please be real and admit that nightlife is so full of shade and shit talk… CHEM kids and brainless beards… you’re bound to have several unpleasant happenings on any given weekend… treated liked a “fag hag” or told you’re fat… rejected arbitrarily from that techno bin while a line of cows behind you await the same… the same beat all fucking night long. At any moment you can walk into someone’s bad trip or very public break up or break down into a puking broken heart… too drunk to be loved… the negative of nightlife is ecstasy for our misanthrope. It’s a delightful, relatively justified violence… to hate persons who have nothing better to do than drunk and drug themselves sick every other day… and to hate our own selves for being among them looking for love or fun drunk and drugged. Tonight your laughter isn’t my project. I don’t seek adoration so expressions of disappointment will be futile. Smiles are often faked especially among the career-orientated. I am not a career queen. Why would I seek that which you offer to everyone thoughtlessly… as reflex… a social safe room?

Maybe I am now only a single fracture in this evening? Thinking aloud a little too raw. Conversational barebacking. But I’m not alone in this. In truth and honesty, I wish I felt I was giving something of greater value here. Indeed, rehearsals could have ironed out my kinks but what is a night without stumbling over some words, if only finding yourself (read: MYSELF) in a space to reflect and justify—to yourself of course—the means and the doings of how you live?

TRUVADA IS THE NEW DATE RAPE DRUG. Terms defined: Truvada is a specific brand anti-retroviral drug taken to prevent HIV infection in the midst of exposure to HIV. But, what is date rape? If this were a Neoliberal classroom I would ask you my audience to generate the answer… and then I would value your collective surplus or oblivion as a democratic spectacle but that’s not my thing. Date rape is a conversational coercion of sex acts from someone who has already clearly indicated that they didn’t wish to engage in… when “No” clearly stated turns into a cloud of confusion via a conversational bullying technique called grooming. YES, grooming as in a dog… gently stroking, talking nice and cute until KICK. The former feelings of love or likeness or attraction become a violation, a grave misrecognition… recognized only too late… because the groomer plays on your generosity knowing that you don’t want to believe him a rapist all the while he’s raping you. Refusing your words, reasoning and desires, blaming you for not conforming to his erotic, his desire to control… Date rape is rape that begins as a conversation.

For those of you in the cult of rugged individualism who wish to leave persons alone in these feelings… feeling alone like this in a conversation where the meaning of one’s words deform and erode… this moment becomes for you my prescribed aloneness… There is nothing MYSTI makes for an individualist.

My dear gay sex seekers: We here in Europe have yet to access the Truvada trough of freedom and so I think it’s important to reflect on its normalization among the boatloads of creampied Americans. I’ve managed to keep casual the conversations with many of my friends enjoying their pharmaceutical privilege and yet refusing to take questions… insisting that their conversation has been had… they seemingly mirror clones echoing throughout App networks these sloganisms about pill popping as education. What is it when you place the video link of a Prep infomercial in lieu of your own words? —some scripted hammy HIV educator advertising long term costly medication… the new brand of gay liberation as a pill. What is this trend when moving imagery… note: someone else’s moving imagery… takes the place of your role in the conversation… what is this brutal submission… and how is acquiescence claimed bold and knowing? How is this the state of being “educated”? Education is supposed to make your conversation skills dynamic… or complex… not reverted into a playable click. Don’t ask me about Prep educate yourself!

Isn’t conversation from the educated side of the spectrum actually the position of listening, waiting for a moment to share in a conclusion rather than an invitation to restate that which you concluded long before your encounter with said uneducated individual? Maybe this tendency denies altogether your ability to encounter any being of difference? Is education, which is a subjective position, the barrier we should be denouncing when it comes as a script because shouldn’t sex be different—with every individual you encounter? I know that the clone is a longstanding gay tradition, but he’s never identified himself as particularly ‘educated’ until now so I have to ask of what do we mean by the educated one dictating behavior to another via his pharmaceutical privilege, making instead an erasure of the possibility of cumming together in a way that suits us both. Is that the purpose of education… to experience the joy of knowing how others should be living… to become drunk telling them shamelessly that their lives are not their own… best if left in the hands of another?

Walk away from me and pop another pill in protest if you must, this reaction really truly won’t make me feel different about you. Only a fool would seek to change you… only a narcissist believes her work as a performance artist does something. A yawn is perhaps the most honest and appropriate expression of this moment we share together.

The goal of not getting HIV whatever your preference of prevention… couldn’t this shared goal of reducing seroconversion be a united front regardless the ways each individual pursues this endeavor? If the end is articulated as the same… a more peaceful world… a more “equal” society… knowledge and access to comprehensive sexual health… why is the means such an exhausting argument? So exhausting that we can only share video links about our position? Such a social ladder… stepping over one another… when we know that this shit has to flatten…

Truvada is another blue sex pill for men and their privileged sex lives over women. In Germany we suffer sexist socialism… where women pay more for insuring a uterus… monetarily disciplined for needing gynecology visits… this isn’t socialism it’s sexism. In America, where the birth control pill, other contraception choices and abortion are only ever nominally covered by insurance if even… why can a fag so eagerly pop a pill and claim there’s no conversation to be had??? Isn’t he a sexual health sell-out? Or is he just a raging misogynist? What of patents and their costs… how is proactively purchasing these costly drugs maybe merely a blind submission to a global system that denies many persons all over the world access to medications they need in order to survive? Your barebacker rights movement fails so many of us… in its short sightedness… educated is not the position from which you speak… its privilege renamed. Because those most at risk in the world are the least likely to access the sexual health advice they need.

Knowledge or claiming the space of ‘educated’ here is the means to be better than people rather than to be better with people… it attempts to take their terms of safety and claim them antiquated regardless their access. America loves purchasing safety. Everything shifts to the responsibility of the self… rather than a shared responsibility to each other. Economies of only self-betterment sound like private equity strategies… keep it all in reserve… sell it whole or broken bit by bit right as any remaining value escapes. It’s hoarding culture…. it’s holding cards close to your chest games… it’s a lot of denying, lying and forgery… usurping a sense of payout only from the loss of others… rather than a shareable space… rather than coming into a space together.

The soulless are those born believing their minds are the only limit… they learn to conquer… renegotiate… cheat if they know how not to be caught… lie if no one important knows the truth… and fake so good it works them to the top which feels empty or broken so attentions turn toward a moving target of want… All self-construction costs become justified… tuition and travel funds make the mind trusted… living abroad till its time to get back to moneymaking… vacation house-s everywhere… a home on every continent. Drugs… rich kids love to argue that drugs expand the territory of the mind… that territory which deserves endless expansion. Does it? Expand? Or is different in this assumption only then a feeling of it rather than a becoming?

What is the result of believing the expansion of your mind engulfs another entirely? Is this really what you think? What you do… discarding someone who fails your terms of use? How do we manage our knowing? What is its legitimate exchange value—or should knowledge mostly feel burdensome these days? How do you expect to manufacture facts when these terms of reality belong only to you… are you founded only in lies, lies that could only be learned from within such a fragile and unforgivably uneven life?

Educated or not… Thoughtful living is differing conclusions that work together.

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